Trigger warning: This post discusses alcohol use, emotional trauma, gaslighting, divorce, deployment, and family conflict. Please read with care and take breaks if needed.

I am sharing this as part of my own reflection and healing, not to diagnose anyone else or assign blame. This is simply how I understand one of my protectors today.

Introducing Alcohol

Some protectors step in quietly. Others kick the door open because they believe there is an emergency. Alcohol was one of those protectors for me. I am sharing this because naming these parts helps me understand them, learn from them, and keep healing without pretending they were never there. Just like my post about The Planner and how he is already a success story, I am going to play it safe again today while still being honest and open about my past, my emotional trauma, and the events that have shaped the person I am today. This Firefighter has been retired from active service for several years, and he and I are both in agreement that there is no need for him to ever put on his protective gear again. Without further ado, let me introduce you to one of my Firefighters: Alcohol.

When Alcohol First Showed Up

Before College

I didn’t explore Alcohol as deeply as some of the other Firefighters I will write about later, mostly because he is no longer actively involved in my protection and therefore is not in need of my immediate attention. Just because he is retired, however, does not make him any less important to write about. I believe there were two points in my life when Alcohol was present as a protector, the earliest being around 19 years old.

I actually never drank in high school. As I mentioned previously, I had a job from the age of 13, played football, wrestled, and was in marching and concert band until I accepted that I was absolutely terrible at the trombone and decided to cut my losses. I just never interacted with the social crowd that drank. If we are honest, I just didn’t really interact with much of a social crowd at all. I had my few friends, and I was okay with that.

I then joined the military at 17 and was gone the entire summer between my junior and senior year, and again my senior year before college. Those were the two summers when I most likely would have had the opportunity to drink more often because I was old enough to drive and had more freedom. Instead, I was away, training, and alcohol was not part of my life yet.

College, Fraternity Life, and Social Discomfort

I would say that my college experience was typical of a lot of college students. It was mostly social, with a little bit of classwork sprinkled in, just enough to pass my classes, keep my grades where they needed to be, keep my college tuition paid for by the military, and keep my G.I. Bill benefits active. I attended college and was active in my fraternity from 2005 until spring semester 2008. I did not attend in the fall of 2008 because of my upcoming pre-mobilization trainings and deployment to Iraq.

During this time, I believe Alcohol was acting as a Firefighter to help me mask my social discomfort. As I said previously, I never really interacted with large social groups. I was also numbing pain and masking insecurities connected to an exile I will write about later. Those insecurities included feelings of not being enough, being alone, and wondering if I was truly liked for who I was, or only for the person I was trying to be.

Deployment and Sobriety

When I deployed to Iraq, we were ordered not to drink alcohol, as every GWOT-era veteran knows. You also know alcohol was available if you knew who to ask or where to look. But I didn’t ask, and I didn’t look. I stayed sober my entire deployment.

I used that time to become healthier. I ran a lot. There was a 5k dirt track outside of our living area that I would run several times a week. I lost weight and became the most physically fit I had been since Basic Training. Even with as much as I drank in college, I never felt that I needed to drink while in Iraq. I never had withdrawal symptoms or anything like that. Drinking alcohol was something I did, and it was something I did a lot of, but it never felt like something I had to do.

When Alcohol Became a Firefighter Again

When I returned home from Iraq, I started drinking again. This time it was a lot less at first because I had married my first wife, and we had our children within the first year of me returning home. Neither of us were big drinkers in the beginning. We would have drinks on special occasions or nights out, and for a while, that was it.

Looking back, I do not remember drinking to mask or react to the affairs I mentioned previously. A lot of these memories are still repressed, but to the best of my recollection, and looking back through old photographs, the drinking escalated for both my first wife and me in the early months of 2017. That was when it became more obvious to me, but it did not come out of nowhere. For me, drinking became a coping mechanism and a true Firefighter to deal with accusations of cheating, stalking, gaslighting, and the other traumas that were ongoing at this time.

There was another part of that season I do not want to leave out because it shaped the environment long before the triangulation began. A couple had been close to both of us for years, serving as friends, mentors, and people we looked up to. We spent time with them, learned from them, and trusted them. Over time, drinking slowly became part of that relationship and part of the rhythm of being around them. It was gradual, not sudden, and it was not originally connected to triangulation.

That distinction matters to me because the triangulation came later, after years of friendship, mentorship, and trust had already been established. That is what made it so complicated. These were people who already carried influence in both of our lives before they were pulled into the middle of our marriage. When my first wife began using that relationship to triangulate, it added another layer of confusion and emotional intensity. Looking back, I can see how Alcohol had already been growing slowly in that environment before he became a full Firefighter again during the chaos that followed.

As her drinking intensified, so did mine. The fighting and arguing also increased, and over time we were arguing loudly most nights. Unfortunately, our children witnessed it and were affected by it. I want to be very clear: our altercations were never physical. I never put my hands on her, and she never put her hands on me. The only time it became physically obstructive was when I tried to leave the house or get away from the arguing. She would block my path, stand in my way, and continue moving in front of me so I could not leave. I always wanted to get away from the fighting.

I am sure I yelled back. I am sure I defended myself. I am sure I said things that were not very nice at times as well. I am in no way trying to paint myself as completely innocent in this situation. We were both under the influence, angry, and hurting. At its worst, we were drinking at least a fifth of alcohol most nights.

Choosing Sobriety Again

In the early months of 2020, I once again had to go back to old pictures to place the date because of my repressed memories. I believe it was somewhere between mid-February and early March. It was right before the COVID pandemic, and while many people began drinking more, we became sober.

Once again, I quit drinking and felt no urges to drink, no cravings, no withdrawals, and no long-lasting symptoms of what you would expect from alcoholism. I remained sober until shortly before the divorce in July of 2021.

Redefining My Relationship with Alcohol

I tried a little bit of bourbon when I was away at a military school because I was tasked with buying a nice bottle for one of our instructors and wanted to make sure the taste profile was worth the price the class was paying before purchasing it. I did not make that decision lightly. I spent days considering it, thinking about the implications, the consequences, the what-ifs, and the repercussions.

What I did not realize at the time was that I was actually communicating with this Firefighter before I knew what IFS was. I was checking in to see where he stood, where I stood, and how aligned we were. I made a decision from my core beliefs right then and there: I would never let Alcohol control my life again.

I would be able to have a drink occasionally, even a couple of drinks in a safe environment, and be responsible. I would never let it affect me, another relationship, or my children again. It was months later when I had my first drink in front of my children, and it was only one.

That promise mattered even more because of my children. I had already seen how Alcohol could affect the environment around them, and I did not want them to grow up wondering whether he would take over again. Part of redefining my relationship with Alcohol was also redefining the kind of father I wanted to be: present, safe, honest, and in control of my choices.

Letting the Firefighter Retire

To this day, I am still very aware of the hard lessons I learned from this Firefighter. In some ways, I am thankful for him because he showed me what I had been trying to numb, avoid, or survive. I still do not drink very often, even when given the opportunity. I do enjoy trying new bourbons and will have a drink or two at social events, especially if I am not driving. My close group of friends and I try to have a bourbon night every so often. I may have a couple more than two during that event, but even then, I am cautious, intentional, and aware of who is driving the decision.

Alcohol could have consumed me, or it could have continued convincing me that numbing was the same thing as healing. Instead, I was able to recognize him for what he was: a Firefighter trying to protect me with the tools he had, even if those tools were not safe or sustainable. He will stay in retirement where he belongs. I can be thankful for the lessons without inviting him back into active service, and I can honor the protection he once tried to provide without letting him take control again. Healing, for me, has not meant hating this part of me; it has meant understanding him well enough that he no longer has to lead.